Day + 132

Let's start with an update on weight watch '09. If you remember, I had an all time low weight of 142 pounds. I am happy to say that my weight as of today is 168 pounds and seems to be climbing every day. Clothes that used to fall off me without a belt are now tight, to the point where I have to unbutton my top button if I have a big meal. My weight before I was diagnosed with AML was 182. It is unbelievable to me that I actually hit 40 pounds below my normal weight. I don’t know. For some reason I’ve been in a very reflective mood lately and it is really messing with me. I don’t know what it is but I have been looking back on some of the really hard times I’ve been through with my sickness and that point where I was at 142 pounds is standing out the most. I can’t tell you how impactful it is to your psyche when you see your body in such bad shape. I just remember standing in front of the mirror without any clothes on and being absolutely shocked. Almost like being punched in the stomach you’re so shocked. That’s all I can do to describe it. My eyes were completely sunk in to my eye sockets. They were dark and almost looked bigger, but that was just because my sockets looked bigger. My shoulder bones and hip bones also stand out. I remember my skin being totally tight around those bones to the point where I was comparing myself to a victim of the holocaust. My arms and legs were as skinny as you ever could have imagined. Overall, my body looked like it was dying, which it was. The cumulative effects of the chemo and radiation therapy really took hold on that last round and did a job on my body. I just remember standing in front of the mirror, looking at the site I just described and breaking down crying. It wasn’t the first time I have cried through this experience, but it was the first time I had doubts I was going to make it through this. That’s not true actually. The first time I didn’t think I was going to make it through this was when they misdiagnosed the type of AML I had. They told me I had M8 which is the worst kind with the highest mortality rate. I lived with that information for a full day before they came in and told us I actually had M1 which is much more treatable. I still remember being in the shower that day before they told me of my actual diagnosis, thinking how I was going to divide up my money, who my belongings would go to, who Floyd would go to, etc. But for some reason I had an eerie calm about me that time, almost like an acceptance. For some reason, the moment I was standing in front of the mirror looking at my decimated body, I was hit much harder. And it still hits me hard today. I think back on those times and I still well up and sometimes just flat out cry. It’s an odd and very humbling feeling when you are forced to face your own mortality. Today my body has filled out and those days seem long gone, but they aren't. They seem to be right at the forefront of my mind.

I don’t know why I’m sharing all of this with you. As I said, I have been in a very reflective mood lately, and in a very weird way I almost feel like I have to respect those times by keeping them close in my thoughts. I am a very long way away from being able to declare victory over this disease and I know there are going to be more tough times ahead, so maybe this is a way of helping me deal with those times. I’m not sure, but I can’t seem to get those thoughts out of my mind.

Ok, I think I’ve rambled long enough and I apologize for that. Let me get into how things are going as of today. From a medical perspective things couldn’t be better and as I wrote above, my weight is right where it needs to be. My labs are just about perfect with my white blood cells over 6 and my ANC over 4. Both of these are the most important markers and both have rebounded very nicely after my last bout of intestinal issues. The other markers I keep track of are also doing very well but no need to share those with you. I can’t say I’m feeling all that well. I am going through a rough patch right now which as always makes life tough. Every muscle and bone in my body hurts and it is really difficult to even get out of bed….but you do. As I’m sure you have been able to figure out if you read most of my messages, my condition goes through cycles where for a week or two I’ll feel great and all will be well, but will soon be followed by a week or two of not feeling well. That is where I am at today, but knowing that this will cycle through as it always does helps. I’ll get through it like I always do and things will be good again soon enough. That’s about all I have guys. Again, sorry for rambling early on but I guess I needed it. You guys all please take good care of yourselves and we’ll catch up soon.