Wednesday, December 9, 2009
Day + 411, Part 2
Sorry, forgot to update how I've been feeling. For the most part, feeling well and doing better. as I said in my last message, my energy levels seem to lower then they were before I got sick, but I think if I put some real effort into getting back into exercise, those energy levels should go back up. My good days are far outweighing the bad which is how I guage how I'm doing, so, things are good. I still have a long way to go and I'm hoping my new exercise regimine will help that along, but even without that, I'm feeling better. Now move on and read the next marathon message...
Day + 411
Full circle. That would the best way I can describe how I am feeling right now. I guess I should start by saying I am sorry for being gone for so long. I guess the only thing I can say about that is there hasn’t been much to share. I know, a poor excuse for laziness, but there is some truth in that. The extent of my news has been limited to doctor visits and medication changes, but again, I’m sorry for not checking in for so long. I will try to stay on top of this as news comes, but as I said, news has been pretty boring as of late.
So back to my full circle comment. As I sit here and type, I am looking out from my hotel room in the Philippines. This is sight that 18 months ago, I was convinced I would never see again. I have vivid memories of lying in my hospital bed and thinking to myself without a doubt that I would never travel again. In fact, I had myself convinced that I would never travel on a plane again, both domestically and internationally. Some of this was brought on by the fact that my Leukemia was very aggressive and took high dose chemo to get me in remission and also from just listening to my doctors and nurses. Its funny too, because at the time, I remember being ok with it. My priority at the time was obviously all about getting well and beating the cancer, so everything else kind of took a back seat, but I remember seeing places on tv and in magazines and thinking to myself, my god, I’m never going to be able to travel again. The doctors were doing their job by not getting my hopes up which I think is good.
It’s funny because my life has now become a series of milestones. It started off by getting to leave my room to walk outside in the courtyard at the hospital. It then went to getting discharged and eating non hospital food at our place in San Diego. Then it was being able to leave the immediate vicinity of the hospital and take a road trip to Santa Barbara. Going back to work full time was a huge milestone for me and much needed for my sanity. Then going surfing for the first time (which was very unsuccessful) was a big step mentally. I say unsuccessful because I went from surfing big perfect waves all over the world to not even being able to stand up on small San Clemente slop…oh well, gotta learn all over again I guess. Anyway, back to the milestones. The next big one was being able to get on a plane and travel domestically. I went back to Buffalo for work and have done so many times since. And to round out the milestone process, I am now in a foreign non-Western country where you could argue sanitary conditions are not necessarily hospital like. I absolutely love the Philippines and it’s only fitting that this is the place I put my first international foot on the ground post cancer.
It hasn’t been without it’s emotions, even though I only landed 16 hours ago. As I got off the plane I could smell the distinctive Philippines smell which instantly brought a huge smile to my face that I couldn’t get rid of for many minutes. Walking through the lobby of the hotel I always stay at brought back a rush of memories which all came to a head this morning at the gym. I really haven’t exercised at all since I started my recovery. I was telling a friend of mine today at lunch that I’m not sure if that’s because I really am fatigued and tired from the cancer, or if it’s just because I’ve grown lazy and use my sickness as an excuse. Regardless, I exercised this morning for the first time since I can remember and it felt great. I just about killed myself, but as I said it felt great. It wasn’t until I took a seat to rest outside by the pool that things started to hit me. I don’t want to get too deep into it, but what was a relaxing post workout rest, turned into a crazy mix of emotions centered on where I am today compared to where I was the last time I was here.
It’s easy to sit here and say the cancer came, I’m in remission and things are now getting back on track through recovery. The reality is, it’s impossible to not think of what has been lost during that process. These are the things you have to get through on your own. Sometimes they barely hit you, and sometimes they hit you like a sledge hammer. For some reason, today was a sledge hammer. It’s a tough pill to swallow when you’re sitting the utterly exhausted from the tiny workout you just finished, and you start to remember that the last time you were here. A time when I was traveling all of the country, surfing some of the best waves I’ve ever surfed, ocean swimming when I was bored, running or working out every day I wasn’t in the water, and no doubt in the best physical shape of my life. Sitting there in that chair, the reality of what has been lost hit hard. I guess my point is, there is whole other side of recovery from cancer that is beyond medicine and blood counts, and my experience so far is that it is more difficult. It’s a daily battle to not think of the things lost and focus on the fact that I’m alive, but there is a thing called human nature which you can’t escape. Just like the chemo treatments and everything else you go through in the hospital, it’s all how you deal with it. I'm pretty sure I'm doing alright with it, but I do have my moments.
So here I sit, come around full circle cancer free and back in the Philippines. I’m not sure how many more milestones are out there, but I look forward to them. As of now I think I’ve hit them all, but I’m sure there will be some eye openers along the way where I’ll be surprised I’m doing something.
I do have some news to share. I had another bone marrow biopsy done about 6 weeks ago and the results came back squeaky clean. I have now been in remission for over one year with 4 more to go before I can get comfortable. So all is good on the recovery front and the fact alone that my doctor gave me the green light to travel here, means everything. All I am going to do is keep doing what my doctors say, try to keep my head in the right place and be as good as possible to the people around me. Pretty simple huh? We’ll see. I hope you all have a Merry Christmas and happy holidays. Evey and I just bought our first tree together and I can’t wait to get home to it. Take care and be well everyone.
So back to my full circle comment. As I sit here and type, I am looking out from my hotel room in the Philippines. This is sight that 18 months ago, I was convinced I would never see again. I have vivid memories of lying in my hospital bed and thinking to myself without a doubt that I would never travel again. In fact, I had myself convinced that I would never travel on a plane again, both domestically and internationally. Some of this was brought on by the fact that my Leukemia was very aggressive and took high dose chemo to get me in remission and also from just listening to my doctors and nurses. Its funny too, because at the time, I remember being ok with it. My priority at the time was obviously all about getting well and beating the cancer, so everything else kind of took a back seat, but I remember seeing places on tv and in magazines and thinking to myself, my god, I’m never going to be able to travel again. The doctors were doing their job by not getting my hopes up which I think is good.
It’s funny because my life has now become a series of milestones. It started off by getting to leave my room to walk outside in the courtyard at the hospital. It then went to getting discharged and eating non hospital food at our place in San Diego. Then it was being able to leave the immediate vicinity of the hospital and take a road trip to Santa Barbara. Going back to work full time was a huge milestone for me and much needed for my sanity. Then going surfing for the first time (which was very unsuccessful) was a big step mentally. I say unsuccessful because I went from surfing big perfect waves all over the world to not even being able to stand up on small San Clemente slop…oh well, gotta learn all over again I guess. Anyway, back to the milestones. The next big one was being able to get on a plane and travel domestically. I went back to Buffalo for work and have done so many times since. And to round out the milestone process, I am now in a foreign non-Western country where you could argue sanitary conditions are not necessarily hospital like. I absolutely love the Philippines and it’s only fitting that this is the place I put my first international foot on the ground post cancer.
It hasn’t been without it’s emotions, even though I only landed 16 hours ago. As I got off the plane I could smell the distinctive Philippines smell which instantly brought a huge smile to my face that I couldn’t get rid of for many minutes. Walking through the lobby of the hotel I always stay at brought back a rush of memories which all came to a head this morning at the gym. I really haven’t exercised at all since I started my recovery. I was telling a friend of mine today at lunch that I’m not sure if that’s because I really am fatigued and tired from the cancer, or if it’s just because I’ve grown lazy and use my sickness as an excuse. Regardless, I exercised this morning for the first time since I can remember and it felt great. I just about killed myself, but as I said it felt great. It wasn’t until I took a seat to rest outside by the pool that things started to hit me. I don’t want to get too deep into it, but what was a relaxing post workout rest, turned into a crazy mix of emotions centered on where I am today compared to where I was the last time I was here.
It’s easy to sit here and say the cancer came, I’m in remission and things are now getting back on track through recovery. The reality is, it’s impossible to not think of what has been lost during that process. These are the things you have to get through on your own. Sometimes they barely hit you, and sometimes they hit you like a sledge hammer. For some reason, today was a sledge hammer. It’s a tough pill to swallow when you’re sitting the utterly exhausted from the tiny workout you just finished, and you start to remember that the last time you were here. A time when I was traveling all of the country, surfing some of the best waves I’ve ever surfed, ocean swimming when I was bored, running or working out every day I wasn’t in the water, and no doubt in the best physical shape of my life. Sitting there in that chair, the reality of what has been lost hit hard. I guess my point is, there is whole other side of recovery from cancer that is beyond medicine and blood counts, and my experience so far is that it is more difficult. It’s a daily battle to not think of the things lost and focus on the fact that I’m alive, but there is a thing called human nature which you can’t escape. Just like the chemo treatments and everything else you go through in the hospital, it’s all how you deal with it. I'm pretty sure I'm doing alright with it, but I do have my moments.
So here I sit, come around full circle cancer free and back in the Philippines. I’m not sure how many more milestones are out there, but I look forward to them. As of now I think I’ve hit them all, but I’m sure there will be some eye openers along the way where I’ll be surprised I’m doing something.
I do have some news to share. I had another bone marrow biopsy done about 6 weeks ago and the results came back squeaky clean. I have now been in remission for over one year with 4 more to go before I can get comfortable. So all is good on the recovery front and the fact alone that my doctor gave me the green light to travel here, means everything. All I am going to do is keep doing what my doctors say, try to keep my head in the right place and be as good as possible to the people around me. Pretty simple huh? We’ll see. I hope you all have a Merry Christmas and happy holidays. Evey and I just bought our first tree together and I can’t wait to get home to it. Take care and be well everyone.
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